A New Beginning
Thursday, 26 January, 2006 at 3:20 pm | In Daily Ramblings | 2 CommentsThe moment draws near – my meeting with the 2 senior members of staff went better than I had imagined. I was nervous for the first 15 minutes and expected to be thrown out the door as I was intensely incoherent but somehow, a new wave of calm swept over me and I performed well for the rest of the time I had with them. I was informed this morning that they wanted me on board and I will be deputy to a new business with aggressive plans to grow it in the next 12 months and establish us as a key player in Pan Asian Markets.Could this be it? I feel immensely overwhelmed with the new potential role and at the same time, there’s this huge wave of euphoria and sense of challenge. It is almost as if my career has been given a new boost. Why am I not contented with what I have now, having struggled to this point where it is pretty much smooth sailing. I think there is this sense of adventure in me to constantly want to do more to challenge myself.
Whatever it is, I am just glad everything went smoothly, guided by an unseen force that is watching over me. I can only pray that with this new opportunity, comes with it the ability for me to perform and to make myself proud of myself!!!
The next one week will see immense changes to my career whilst I am away for a short trip in Japan. The following Monday shall be a day of revelation for me…
Happy New Year to everyone reading my blog and I wish you all the best in the coming year!
Sadness
Thursday, 26 January, 2006 at 11:52 am | In Sadness Part One | Leave a CommentSadness, of why I feel this way This emptiness inside, consuming the fabrics of my soul
Sadness, of why I feel this pain This inexorable feeling of despair stabbing my heart
Sadness, of why I feel loss This inertia force, slowly pulling me to the brink of event horizon
Sadness, of why this loneliness Never knowing, each day passing me by, my heart grows cold
Realisations of myself #1
Thursday, 26 January, 2006 at 11:41 am | In Daily Ramblings | Leave a CommentOne of the realisations about myself today is the fact that I am a messy and disorganised person. It demoralises me to a certain extent knowing this as no matter how hard I try, I will revert to the same habits. I remember spending time packing, throwing away tons of junk, organising my room to a respectable state only to see it messed up with information, papers, files etc lying all around in a matter of weeks. The only reason I can think of would be the fact that I keep telling myself to leave things as they are so that I can come back to work on it. And I tend to procrastinate a lot as well at times. Which makes my untidiness worse.And I cannot seem to put enough information into my head. I keep having this feel that I am not learning fast enough all the time and I try and put ever more bits of information into my brain. To the point sometimes, I sit here, moments like these – feeling totally overwhelmed and unable to pick the next item I need to work on.
Is there a cure for such behaviour?
So I decide to blog instead whilst contemplating which report I need to work on next…
New Year Coming.
Monday, 23 January, 2006 at 11:23 am | In Reflections | 2 CommentsTime flies, it’s the end of 2005 for almost a month now and in 5 days, it’s that time of the year where all Chinese will go home to have their customary reunion dinner before the onset of Chinese Lunar New Year Day Uno. This is going to be the 2nd reunion dinner I will be having with my family after spending the last 8 years on the road, always someone in the world due to studies or work. And of course, I do look forward to that familiar smell of home cooked food prepared by my Auntie whom will be joining us as usual. Well, in the absence of my mum which we will no doubt still miss, that familiar steamboat will be there as usual complete with mum’s secret chilli recipe which was handed over to my auntie.
I love being Chinese, and most of all, I love all these cultural activities as each event brings back childhood memories of fun and laughter. And most of all I can still remember the night before Chinese New Year where we try so hard not to fall asleep and to clean up the house together with Dad and Mum. To pray to the deities and play around with the cute looking paper cuttings, to bring the huge bags of folded paper incense in shapes of ingots to the bin for burning. But most importantly, that feeling of the familiar packet underneath my pillow when I wake up the next morning signifying that the New Year has come.
Yes I love being Chinese and I love my family so much and I do miss moments like these. Now that I am older, the childish games and that late night activities are no longer there but I still miss reunion nights nonetheless for now, it is a time for me to spend time with my loved ones, chatting about anything and everything under the night skies…
Reflective day in passage
Sunday, 22 January, 2006 at 10:11 am | In Daily Ramblings, Reflections | 1 Comment1215hrs – Hawker Centre
Somewhere in Bedok South
Wearing a matching grey top and trousers which is faded from probably years of wear and carrying a dirty umbrella and 2 plastic bags of empty drink cans, the old lady slowly trundled in front of me, smiled and politely dragged a chair from my table about 2 steps away and sat down. All these while, her eyes searching for more drink cans she can crush and put into her bags. A guy at the next table passes her a coke can and she smiled briefly and held the can in both her hands and trembles as she tried to crush it so it takes up less space in her bags. That done, she scanned the surrounding tables and stared with a distant look in her eyes across the street. And she sat that calmly, unmoving – her face expressionless and distant not knowing what’s in her mind. And 2 things came to my mind as I watched her and ate my duck rice…
1 – Has she had anything to eat or was she hungry?
2 – Is she living with her children and do they give her money?
1430hrs – Guan Yin Temple, Bugis
The streets are crowded with many busy shopping for the many New Year goodies that would line the tables in one week and people rushing to the temple with offerings and donations to pray for a new year filled with new wealth and the many things other things that divine power can give. As I walk along the streets with my auntie, there, at the side of the road is a fragile old man, all skin and bones and with a completely helpless look on him. His clothes are tattered and torn and one of his legs is amputated. He holds a dirty metal cup, shaking his hands at passer by’s – surrounded by people holding bags of shopping and sidestepping him as they pass. All this while, their head’s held high, he was nothing but and object beneath them, too unimportant to their routine – a slight irritation of their planned path. I watched this scene for a full five minutes – his metal cup empty and I took out some money and approached him. As I walk, it started to rain and everybody started running for shelter except him – sitting there looking forlorn…
Death and Life…
Friday, 20 January, 2006 at 3:14 pm | In Reflections | 4 CommentsHave you wondered what happens after you die? Would you feel anything at the moment just as you take your final breath and transcend into oblivion? Everything you have experienced and lived for comes to naught in this final moment. Consciousness itself ceases to exist since the brain is no longer active. Just like a memory cell inside the RAM on your computer, the power gets turned off and then everything is lost. Pretty frightening thought I must admit as I cannot help but contemplate how this moment would be like. Yet the more you think about it, the lack of answers and the futility of humans brings with it desolance and depression…
I am sure many of us are always saying that time flies and it accelerates as you age with more and more demands placed on yourself and by others around you. Yet it’s ironic how you shrug these comments off the next moment and goes through the same cycle , same responses, same brief thought about it every time.
But time waits for no man. Which is a fact that no matter how far away from the topic of death you choose to run away from. To console yourself that there will be tomorrow, that the pleasures you enjoy today may never end. All too soon, we will be sitting there, too frail to do anything else but wait for the inexorable destiny that awaits us.
So why are we here in this vast lonely universe, a little planet called earth, which so much diversity exists, and yet complete nothingness surrounds us. Why are we given consciousness and logic. Why are we caught up in this rat race? So many why’s , so little time.
And so they say – time waits for no man…
Very morbid thoughts but then again, what is morbid?
New Horizons …
Thursday, 19 January, 2006 at 2:05 pm | In Daily Ramblings | 4 CommentsI met up with a friend for lunch yesterday and he told me he’s resigned from a pretty top notch law firm here after 2 years and have decided to pursue his dream of running his own business. Of course the first thing that I asked (Like most people) would be why? And if he felt it was worth it naturally since he’s giving up a pretty good career for the unknown. And his response was pretty calm, measured and matter of fact indeed. He talked at length about the hours and how at the end of the day, he’d work himself to death and not ever enjoying life. He’s going to be running a men’s professional work wear outfit which will be cheaper and exclusive to younger executive crowds. Well, his passion was evident from the 2 hour we spent together and I cannot help but envy him secretly inside myself as he talked on about the things he would be doing. Which leads me to think…
Are Singaporeans a risk-adverse lot or are we just complacent with our lives working it out for some corporate machine?
Having worked for a number of years now, I think I have inadvertently given up passion, and the opportunities that presented itself to me over the years for a steady income. Opportunity costs goes up as you age and sometimes I wonder if this is going to be my perpetual life. Would I one day, give up my career and run my own business? Entertaining thoughts but for now, I wished him all the best and made an appointment at his new shop to tailor some clothes doing my bit to help him succeed in his new-found career…
So many things that I should write and been having no time to. I think I will write a back-dated entry of my experiences of Batam later on today…
Why do people blog?
Friday, 13 January, 2006 at 3:22 pm | In Reflections | 2 CommentsOne of my friend asked me this question yesterday whilst drinking. It seems to be a phenomenon with thousands of journals and blogs popping up everyday. Some blog because they wish to be famous or popular. Some blog because they feel strongly about a particular issue, some blog because they love writing etc… I mean these were the possibilities we contemplated upon in our discussions. And she asked “So, do you blog too?”
“Erm, no not really” was my response since the last thing I needed was for her to probe about what my blog address is.
I started a journal because I had wanted an avenue to vent my frustrations about life, to talk about my feelings, to talk about things that I would not share with my friends normally. And somehow, through this journal, I seek escape from realities of life. Yet this blog is public and probably many more people would come to know of the very things that I keep private from my friends and I cannot help but think about the contradiction.
The only difference would be the fact that here – I am Desolance.
And somehow I have found someone writing and sharing with me as I blog. And somehow, the rules of engagement have changed… the journey is no longer lonely because others whom feel the same way, or have experienced the same ordeals about life share their thoughts here in this virtual world. And another reason is born…
Recovery and Cold Afternoons
Thursday, 12 January, 2006 at 3:38 pm | In Daily Ramblings | Leave a CommentFor the strangest reason, she started to lighten up yesterday. I guess she realised that it wasn’t always my fault perhaps? In a way, I am glad there’s no more hostility. Yet at the same time, there is a certain sense of apprehension not knowing how long this new dawn will last. I guess someone up there answered my prayers?! This blog might be the unseen communication channel to a higher power mayhaps! Well I guess the journey is long and I do hope this summer will last.
My cousin Lee continues to be in the hospital and with no signs of improvements. I guess the end is near. I should try and make it to the hospital to visit him more often…
The rain continues with gloomy skies here and it just reminds me of England so much. The wetness, gloominess and cold… well at least my office is freezing cold. So much for thoughts and updates of this lonely traveller…
Of Communication or lack thereof…
Wednesday, 11 January, 2006 at 12:07 am | In Daily Ramblings | 6 CommentsI tried to have a heart to heart talk with her tonight about our total lack of communication and basically got nowhere as usual. I could sense a lot of anger and unhappiness coming from her. It’s been 2 weeks since we had any decent conversations. I probed her and she told me that I could relate better to my journals that I could with her. She told me that she found it hard to tell me about her life. I asked myself why and realized that perhaps, between us, we have swept too many things under the carpet and we have reached the point of no return. Truth is, I love her and there are so many moments I wanted to share moments of my life. But somehow between us, the timing was always wrong.
How can 2 people miss each other totally? Like her, I feel that I could relate to my close friends more than her. It is sad! I do not wish that to be the case forever. But how do we take out the dirt under the carpet, clean it up and start cleaner? Is that at all possible? Is my marriage destined for failure?
I pray for a guiding light but it never seems to appear. Moments like these, I really wished that there was someone or some force out there that could help me out…
And so passes yet another night…
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